The Home How-to-Impeach Manual
By Yvonne Zipter

Let me ask you this: If Volvo could recall its XC90 model because its rear wiper doesn't work, and Daisy could recall its slingshots this past May (what is this, the 1950s?), and if you can return the gold lamé halter top that seemed fun in the store's dressing room but makes you look like an aging hooker in broad daylight, why can't we get our money back on George W. Bush? Perhaps because the "receipt" for his election was forged?

But ok, let's assume for a minute that W. was legitimately elected. Aren't the American people allowed to go, "Whoops! I made a colossal mistake. This egomaniacal redneck hick I thought looked fun in the election booth makes my butt look too big and my intellect too tiny—I'd like to return him for something more sensible"? Never mind that a majority of us realized right off that Bush was faultier than an extension cord run over by a lawn mower: now even those who thought he was safe as latex paint are realizing we've got a bad case of "led" poisoning: led to believe that a devout "Christian" would be honest and decent and value human life; led into an unjust war for fabricated reasons; led into national debt in an attempt to buy popularity with tax rebates; led to the brink of environmental disaster to appease oil magnates and industrialists; led to eschew constitutional rights under the pretext of national security; led into bigotry against, for example, gays and Muslims under the guise of family values and patriotism.

Even my father-in-law, apparently, who once spoke to assembled family and friends about W.'s greatness—even he has begun to wonder whether it was a mistake to have elected Bush. Well, d'uh. That's the wonder of all of this to me: that so many smart, caring people could have been duped. Fool 'em once, shame on Bush; fool 'em twice, shame on the American people-by which is meant, I guess, Kenneth Blackwell, since "most Americans" would not have reelected Bush if they'd had the opportunity to vote, as in Ohio, where Secretary of State Blackwell "created waits of three to eleven hours, driving tens of thousands of likely Democratic voters away from the polls and very likely affecting the outcome of the Ohio vote count, which in turn decided the national election" (http://www.commondreams.org/views04/1118-30.htm).

But that's all water over the damned Republicans: If, right now, less than 30 percent of us think this president is a good fit for our values, shouldn't we be allowed to return him, like the damaged goods he is? Shouldn't the Constitution have provided an option whereby the people of the country could institute impeachment proceedings? Sure, you can point out that we don't really elect the president (especially not in 2000 and 2004!)—the Electoral College does. Fine. Shouldn't there be, then, a De-Electoral College? Or an Electoral Remedial College?

Well, it turns out that even if the American public wasn't smart enough to smell a rat in Texan clothing, our founding fathers were! An impeachment group from Minnesota, Impeach for Peace, has unearthed an obscure document known as "Jefferson's Manual," part of the Rules of the House of Representatives, that actually makes it possible for individual citizens to start the impeachment process themselves. Pinch me—am I dreaming? No, it's true! All you've got to do to get our government to consider impeaching the Boob-in-Chief is to submit a memorial (which means, in this context, a written statement of facts to a legislative body as grounds for remonstrance). As they say at impeachforpeace.org, "Now any citizen can download the DIY Impeachment Memorial and submit it, making it possible for Americans to do what our representatives are unwilling to do." The plan is to get so many people submitting these petitions they will be impossible to ignore. All the details you need about this plan (including answers to arguments against impeachment), along with the downloadable memorial, can be found at http://impeachforpeace.org/ImpeachNow.html.

As Peter Gabriel has presciently sung, "When... you want some control—you've got to keep it small. D.I.Y." Boy, I never thought I'd find myself quoting Peter Gabriel! But then again, I never thought I could petition on my own to bring impeachment proceedings against the prez. Or that I'd find myself in agreement with my White Sox-loving, Republican father-in-law. Maybe the Rapture really is coming!

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